He Rides on the Wings of the Wind

This past week I had a huge crisis that basically put me in a downward spiral to the lowest point I can remember since January. The short version of the story is that the church where Matt works is a hot mess, and circumstances around that have left me hurt, frustrated, disillusioned and spent. I’ve been blessed since January to be attending another church in our community where God shows up for me in so many ways and has brought a lot of healing and comfort over the past many months. As part of that process, I began to experience a renewal of hope for Matt’s church and its future, and our potential future there, and then last weekend those small green shoots of hope in my soul were basically torn up, set on fire and crapped on.

At first I just went numb. I had one good rant/cry and decided I was simply done. Done with hoping, done with caring whatever hellish, self-inflicted misery this congregation put itself through next, done with being pulled from the stable and functioning place I thought I’d reached only to end up back at square one in a ball of snot and tears.

The Bible study at youth group on Friday was led by Kristen and talked about faith. We read the story of Jesus and Peter walking on water and talked about practical ways to make our faith stronger. Matt 14:30 says “when [Peter] saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me” (and Jesus pulled him out of the water). It struck me that Peter’s faith started out strong enough to step out of a boat into a lake when Jesus called him, but when he lost his focus on Jesus his faith couldn’t sustain him. I journalled about this later and tried to figure out how to take my fears off the chaos around me and get my focus back on Jesus. I thought about the good things God had just taught me through a different crisis and tried to figure out how to turn off my future fears and just deal with the present.

But I don’t know where to look for Jesus in my life – every direction I turn shows me more uncertainty, and the future constantly crowds into my thinking: Matt’s livelihood and my spirituality and the relationships we value at this crazy church are all tangled up together and need a common resolution. It’s too big for me to fix, and it’s too big for me to lift up to God, and I just feel crushed.

The Psalm at (my) church this morning was 104, and God used it to ease the angst I’ve been feeling not knowing where to find Him in the chaos: verses 3 + 4 say,

He lays the beams of his chambers on the waters;
he makes the clouds his chariot;
he rides on the wings of the wind;
he makes his messengers winds,
his ministers a flaming fire.

Nothing is beyond God’s use, even the chaos and mess that make us feel like we’re sinking. God is not overwhelmed when we are overwhelmed, and he is not confounded when we are confounded, and he is not gone in the times that we don’t see him.

That’s as far as I’ve gotten so far, but it’s good enough for now. There’s another meeting next weekend that might change some of the circumstances at Matt’s church, but I’m still done with hoping for any particular outcome – we’ll see what happens when it happens. Prayers are appreciated for Matt and I as we continue to talk with God and each other and feel around for the solid ground we so badly want to put our feet on.

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Astrid 07-11-2012, 05:45

I often believe that I have been such a dininpoastmept. But, know that when God sees me he sees Jesus. But, here is what I often think about. If God sees Jesus who died for all of our sins, what does Jesus see when he looks down on earth. I try so very hard to be a good person and when I try really hard, I fail. But, when I run to Jesus to say I am sorry, he holds out his arms takes me into a tight hug and tells me it is okay. Go try again but, let me help you. Each day is better than the day before.

L. R. 05-01-2013, 16:06

Did it ever occur to you that as the body of Christ and a light to the world, God may have placed you there for a reason. Not to get your atta-boys from other people, but to shine God’s point of view and get your accolades from Him.

alyssa 05-01-2013, 17:27

Yeah, it has been a really challenging but good process for me to wrestle this out with God, trying to figure out what he’s asking from me in terms of perseverance and faith and self-care.


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