Category: Life

Brittle

The Summer I had radiation treatment for thyroid cancer, I yelled at my grandmother over a card game.

To be fair, I have always hated UNO.

After the primeval shriek, storming out of the kitchen and bursting into tears in my bedroom, my dad came in and sat on my bed to tell me that he took the fall for my outburst, told my grandma that I was upset with him and that’s why I’d gone bananas. I really appreciated that – I still do; it is a gleaming, gold-star parenting moment that stands out so much in my memory. My dad also told me that I was probably stressed about my upcoming radiation and that was okay, and in that moment I realized it was true – I was scared.

That day I learned sometimes being strong makes your mind forget how fragile you are, but the heart always knows, and this secret knowledge leaks out sometimes in the strangest of ways. I remembered it also this Summer. Back when I was 6 weeks along I started bleeding just a bit, and I spent that day SO aware that my pregnancy could be over almost as soon as it had begun. The weight of holding it in through a day of work and a visit with a friend meant I burst into tears when I got home – there was some trigger that I’ve forgotten now, but it doesn’t matter what it was because the crisis was inside me, not to do with tripping over a shoe or the dog peeing on the floor.

This week I’ve recognized the same unsettled feeling, realized that something is off, that I feel an emotional storm building up, but I’m not sure where it’s coming from. Matt has a meeting this Saturday that should settle some up-in-the-air stuff to do with his job. I think that however things turn out we are at peace, but it’s tough to wait. Also this week I went to a Bible study at my church, and I am more conflicted about that than I expected to be. The group was really welcoming, the study was interesting and good for me, and I can easily catch a ride home on nights that Matt has the car. But I’m scared and I don’t know exactly why – all I know is that I feel brittle inside.

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It’s my Birthday!

I guess I should post something so the end of my NFP mini-series doesn’t sit there for weeks scaring off any strangers who wander by. I’m 24 years old today! It’s pretty good, especially since I spent the last few weeks (months?) feeling like/thinking I was 24 already. It’s embarrassing, as an adult, to have to correct yourself on the rare occasion someone asks your age.

It has been a laid-back birthday – I have the day off work and have been alternately taking it easy and catching up on chores after our two-night camping trip that ended yesterday (with a rain storm. Adventures!). Currently I am starving and about to get dinner started so we can hopefully clean up in time for some friends to come over for cake this evening. I am EXTREMELY hungry, which hits about 40 seconds after normal hungry, but I am resisting the urge to collapse and weep on the floor until Matt gets home because this weekend my doctor started me on a higher dose for my thyroid and it. is. magical. I cannot share a list of all the wonderful changes this new dose has wrought in my life, for many of them are very personal and this IS the internet. But the very most wonderful change is feeling like a human being and not a sock that someone played shoeless soccer in before it got run over by a bicycle. It turns out that pregnant ladies are supposed to feel slightly less fatigued in the second trimester, which I missed out on because I have no thyroid.

But I’m feeling better now! So much better! And even if I wasn’t, I have started to feel tiny baby kicks, which makes everything a million times worth it 😀 Apparently (source: the internet) in addition to drinking and breathing amniotic fluid, practising kung fu, and generally growing bigger and stronger, the Truck can hear my heartbeat and occasionally outside noises if they are loud enough. I have been blasting Backstreet Boys just in case 😉

Update: Pictures!

The cord I needed has been found! I hope you enjoy this quick visual update on what’s been going on lately 🙂 There are the shoes I purged, before and after pictures of our prayer table which was refinished by the men’s ministry/carpentry workshop of my church, the pictures of my Shahi Paneer Korma, cookies I baked, AND last but not least my 15-week bump.

A Great Decision

I had low expectations for today because it started out pretty rough, but things actually came together amazingly well! I took a bunch of pictures as my afternoon progressed, but the cord to connect my computer and phone are lost so I cannot upload them. That will be another post.

The great decision that spawned all the rest of my wonderful day was to cancel a massage appointment I had made for right after work. I went for a short run and did a bit of yoga last night, so my body felt better than it has for a few weeks. At 3 1/2 months pregnant, I am finally (fingers crossed) past the roughest parts of first trimester nausea, and eating more and better food. That is helping my energy levels be better, and I hope that I can maintain a reasonable level of exercise to stay limber and feeling healthy and strong. I know there will be new discomforts and complaints to come, but I’m enjoying the good while it lasts!

So today my mind needed the time at home more than my body needed a massage, and accepting that resulted in the most productive afternoon I’ve had in ages! I did common prayer, which has been very hit and miss lately, baked cookie dough I had waiting in the fridge, and tried a recipe for an Indian dish that I’ve never heard of or tasted, but Paneer cheese was on sale last week and I bought some, so I needed to use it up! I ventured into the Indian grocery store near us for the first time to buy super-hot Indian chili powder, and the recipe turned out amazing! It made tons too, so I’m looking forward to the left overs 🙂

Another Round of Decluttering

I cannot think of any time that I am more efficient than when I am procrastinating. For example, the last/only time I scrubbed my bathroom floor was in the middle of a big paper. Now that I’m out of school, there is a lot less to procrastinate, but every once in a while opportunities come along, and last week that opportunity was needing to unpack. Matt and I didn’t check any bags for our vacation this year, which I found to be very impressive and certainly make the whole process of packing a lot easier. Technically, it made unpacking easier than it could have been, but I spent a few days overwhelmed by all the clothes on our bedroom floor and the impossibility of sorting it all into different loads of laundry.

However, as my closet grew emptier in direct proportion to the spreading chaos on my floor, I became inspired to do another round of decluttering. Matt and I got rid of tons of clothes back in March, and I tried to be picky as I switched my closet from fall/winter to spring/summer, but as I looked at the clothes left in my closet, I realized they are the same iffy clothes that I held on to “just in case” but still don’t wear. 95% of what I wear on a regular basis needs to be washed right now, meaning there isn’t much left for my not-favourites to hide under.

I have also come to the conclusion that I have a placemat problem. I think we have four sets of placemats, and we never use any of them. I have rolled and folded and stacked our placemats into drawers and shelves so they’d be available but out of the way, and… we just never use them. I must remind myself that owning/using placemats is not a hallmark of adulthood, it’s just a choice (and doesn’t make very much sense considering the tiny size of our dining room table). I can part with placemats and not lose any piece of myself (I muttered under my breath all week).

I also finally released three pairs of shoes from “shoe purgatory” to the free room of our building. Let me explain. Back in March, I gave up a few pairs of shoes that were worn out, ugly, uncomfortable, or a combination thereof. I put SEVEN pairs of iffy shoes in a box with a promise to myself that if I had not worn and loved any of those pairs by the end of summer that I would stop hoarding them no matter how pretty they look. The problem for me has always been that they are sooo pretty. I bought them because they were pretty and promised myself I’d break them in. I imagined how versatile they were because they’d be cute with a skirt, capris OR jeans!! And then I’d pass them over all Summer and pack them away each Fall. I have a picture of these shoes on my phone but no cord to upload it, so you’ll have to just imagine their cuteness. They are strappy sandals that would indeed have complimented a host of summer outfits, if only I could have walked all the way out of our building without regretting how unsteady it felt to walk.

This long weekend I tossed expired medicine and organized our bathroom cabinet, then “donated” (ie. left in the free room for anyone to take) a shopping bag of shirts and kitchen towels, one placemat set (baby steps, people!), and those three pretty pairs of shoes. It feels good 🙂